poem

beehive

supine in this beehive life situation
safe for now in 2 rooms and a hallway
an octagon on the underside of the honeycomb

outside we’re strangers. bug eyed sunshades
and high walls protect personal peeves
from nothing but hidden happy majorities

lights inside turn buildings into compound mosaic
eyes click left and right and rise into a starless sky
where we look down upon sidewalk pointed heads

white metal a/c units drip water 6 stories
splashing in black puddles outside a pub
where maybe a beautiful girl is watching the game

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Dinosaur Dialogue

So yesterday, after participating in one of the most worthless events in recent memory, I was crammed into a car full of coworkers and drove home crammed next to the rear window of a toyota corolla. 4 people in the back seat just doesn’t work anymore. It’s extremely uncomfortable and pisses everyone off. But putting someone in the trunk is completely out of bounds socially, which doesn’t really make a ton of sense, but suggesting that would have been.

In certain situations, when you have several different people from several different genres, it’s easier to talk about specific things than it is to just sit around and make vague statements about what you all just went through. An example of this is the classic, ‘what was your favorite (insert stupid childhood thing) growing up’ and then everyone chimes in and defends their own stupid childhood thing and tries to tell you how stupid your stupid childhood thing was.

And thus we began talking of Dinosaurs.

vjegga

Dinosaurs were great. Who knows if they ever actually existed, but they were fucking awesome to learn about. Who didn’t love those dinosaur coloring books. They probably existed.. but does anyone really know wtf was going on 200 million years ago? 200 million years.

200. million. years.

No. No one knows. But yeah their bones have been studied extensively by weirdos for quite some time now. And how about that for a profession.

“Howard, what line of work are you in? How are you continuing to make payments on this ocean-front mansion in Santa Cruz?”

“Thanks for asking, Jared. I study dinosaur bones.”

If the word ‘dinosaur’ is included in your job description, then you should be extremely proud to be an American. You think that position exists in Burma? I don’t fucking think so!

So the question arises in the packed little Toyota. It’s asked by the driver, who obviously is trying to make conversation, seeing as it’s her car and she’s responsible for the social comfort of all her passengers. Really a cop-out if you ask me. The dude sitting next to me answers immediately.

“Velociraptor.”

Which I assume was his answer only because he loves the movie Stepbrothers, but very well may be his favorite.. seeing as it’s the most popular answer on the fucking planet. The car carries on for several minutes about how awesome Raptors are and I make a DeMar DeRozan joke and no one laughs. I don’t have a chance to honestly respond before the girl in shotgun whines out,

“My favorite was always the Triceritops.”

I let out an audible moan. She went with Triceritops. I bet her favorite color is blue and her lucky number is 7. But here’s the thing about Triceritops that doesn’t really get acknowledged very often…they’re kind of fucking awesome, and extremely overlooked as a top contender. Now, i’m not saying the bird-brain sitting in shotgun knows anything about the ‘tops other than it was her favorite character in ‘Land Before Time’, but regardless she made a decent selection. The triceratops isnt trying to be anything it isn’t. It eats grass, shits big, and will drive you into the dirt if you look at it the wrong way. The obvious downside is it’s super feminine and equates to an oversized Rhinoceros. But you don’t want one of those things getting pissed at you. No. you. do. not.

The group goes back and forth for a bit before home-boy next to me hits the group with this,

“Dude. DUDE. Easy. You guys probably don’t know about this one, but i’m dropping that dino-knowledge for free. Stegosaurus. All day.”

The classic, dude-who-thinks-he-knows-a-ton-about-a-somewhat-strange-subject but in reality makes himself look like a clown when he answers with one of the most popular answers ever. Every 3rd kid in any given 5th grade classroom picks the Stegosaurus. And he gets no points for his answer either. Stegosaurus is loserville. Has a stegosaurus ever actually killed anything with that spike tail? It’s like every picture you see it looks like the Stegosaurus is a half-second away from burying that thing into someones face. But i’m not sure that ever happened. I think they bark quite a bit. No bite tho. C+ for the selection and F for the delivery. I let my opinion be known and am shot down aggressively for telling the group that the stegosaurus is a massive poser, and looks like free dinner to any semi-masculine animal of that time period.

Like a rapid pack of the Dilophosaurus, which was my answer.

Dilophosaurus-Gabriel-LioThat’s right. .

You want to play the ‘whats your favorite dinosaur game’, then strap it up because i’m going 110%. I didn’t skip all those recesses with my nose buried in dinosaur picture books for nothing. I didn’t miss out on playing co-ed games of red-rover to get shown up by a car full of naive shitbrains who are just now starting to realize that dinosaur knowledge has value and holds weight in conversations like these; a car full of kids who just picked the T-Rex picture, named him Rex, and asked for a fucking cookie. It was for this exact situation. You may know the Dilophosaurus as the spitting creature that dominates Newman in Jurassic Park..who for some reason goes full retard when he tries to escape with the shaving cream canister. An easy target, i’ll give you that, but the Dilophosaurus is supreme.

Of course no one had anything to say about my answer, because up until the comment was made, no one had any fucking idea what a Dilophosaurus was. The point is, where are my fellow Dino scholars? They’re out there. Living in ocean-front mansions in Santa Cruz and slamming milfs before the steaks are done and after the kids are snoring. I picked the wrong profession.

No One Cares About Your Stupid SnapChats

snapchat

So SnapChat is the newest cool app these days, and I’ll admit with a shred of guilt that I was very happy with it for about a week. Then it started sucking. Because just like everything else on this planet, the more people there are that do something, the more it sucks. Because humanity, as a whole, is almost inexplicably retarded.

Here’s how it works. Someone smart thinks of a smart idea and explains it to all his smart friends. They all love it and start using it. Then some other people hear about it, who are not-so-smart, but they still understand the basic idea, and they start using it. Then all the not-so-smart people show it to their not-smart friends, and they don’t really get it, but they use it anyway. Then the not-smart friends show it to all their idiot friends, who just use it because everyone else is using it by now even though they have no idea what it is, and it’s original purpose is so far in the rear-view mirror that the creators are all sitting at the round table drinking vodka from a plastic bottle and playing russian roulette. This rule is universally true with almost everything. Think about anything that used to be cool and now sucks. The blame lies on the shoulders of idiot people who want to be part of the team and the skill/talent/uniqueness/beauty is quickly diluted with stupidity. It starts with MJ and Lebron having a 3-point contest and it ends with Johnny and Jeffy trying to stuff the basketball up each other’s asses.

And there is no current situation that represents this de-evolution more perfectly than SnapChat. It started with two people who are semi attracted to one another getting drunk and sending dick/tit pics to each other, and it ends with your co-worker sending you a picture of her cat taking its pills. No one cares about tiny little snapshots of your life that you think are funny and feel obligated to send to everyone who made the mistake of accepting your snapchat friend request.

our awesome neighbor made us cookies!! : P

bloody mary #2? guilty!

fat french inhale like a #boss

That’s not what the app is for and STOP SENDING THEM TO ME.

The Fear Archive: Operation Slipknot

In 2004 Slipknot released an album called Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). It was absolutely amazing. It was also terrifying. Still is actually. As good as the band sounded, I could never quite get over how weird the people creating the music seemed. It turned me away, and at a young age, even gave me nightmares. Little did I know that as a senior in high school, I would sit in the locker room before games while Slipknot knocked pictures off the wall and watch our star defensive end chew holes in his mouthguard while everyone else struggled with basic communication. That kinda scared me too.

“What’s up with Trent?”

“I dunno man. He really likes this song.”

“Really? It looks like he hates it. and me. and you. and everyone else.”

The reasoning behind Trent’s anger is actually quite simple. It was confirmed at a much later date that Trent was abusing anabolic steroids. That and the fact that Slipknot’s music is…just plain angry. But how do we, as listeners, understand what they are trying to tell us? Can anyone actually decipher the words from any of Slipknots songs? Maybe. Probably. NO. There’s wayyy too much going on. There’s like 10 band members and they all wear different masks and carry different weapons and cast different spells. I would pay upwards of $100 to watch Slipknot vs Insane Clown Posse in an actual fight to the death.

It’s much easier to just watch a music video and assume the members of the band had some sort of creative pull when it came to deciding the video’s basic plot structure. I’m a visual learner. Don’t you love how everyone always says that when you’re just not quite getting something. Here let me show you this, it always helps me, I’m a big time visual learner. EVeryone is a visual learner. It’s easier to learn things when you can see them. Pretty basic shit right there. That’s why movies are so much more popular than books.

“Yeah I really liked the movie, just could nnnnot make it through the book”

Yeah that’s because you’re just a bit too dull to string together thoughts without having a constant stream of corresponding images streamed in front of your eyes on a 90 foot screen. Sounds pretty familiar to me. Maybe because I just wrote it and it came from my own thoughts. I digress.

Slipknot. Here’s the video to their 2004 smash-hit single, Duality. From trailer parks to locker rooms, this was that shit. We’re going to take a close look at the video, and see what we can deduce from it’s content rather than actually reading the lyrics. Because we’re visual learners.

0:01 we start with a close-up on a young boy. 16 I’m guessing. Why isn’t he wearing a shirt? He kinda looks like Rory McILroy

Picture 1

Why isn’t anyone wearing a shirt. More importantly, who are all these people. Not seeing a ton of diversity. Maybe that’s because we’re in Iowa. Right. All they do is shuck corn. Straight corn shuckin’. These people look like they were all just pulled out of the dry yellow strings of a corn husk. Children of the Corn.

0:14 It appears as if we are inside of a house, and this mob of shirtless aryans are coming to kill us. Listen, I know who I want at my house parties. I don’t want any of these guys. Literally none of them are welcome. But it doesn’t appear that anyone’s opinions are going to matter for the duration of this video. If you don’t like what they are doing, then that’s just too damn bad.

0:20 Things getting hectic. We get a visual on the band. Several members have appeared, all wearing leatherfaced looking masks and smashing different things with different instruments. People begin breaking through windows to gain access into this Iowa home.

Picture 3

And then the techno viking throws the barbecue through the window. Everyone loves it. Great idea techno viking. this guy loves it so much that he keeps bashing an empty keg with a baseball bat.

Picture 4Why is he wearing a mask though? He must be in the band. THAT MUST BE HIS INSTRUMENT. He hits an empty keg with a baseball bat twice every verse. This guy now sucks. In the time it took me to get this picture, I had to watch the half second clip about ten times, and I’ll be honest, the guy doesn’t appear to be much of an athlete. Which makes wayyyyy too much sense. Somebody didn’t get picked in kickball. Guess its time to throw on a mask and start smashing things with a baseball bat while my more musically gifted friends play real instruments and talk about DEATH… EH?

0:45 back to the party. It’s absolutely raging. Aside from the fact that everyone looks like they just got out of prison, and there are essentially no women… it looks like a pretty legendary party. Just look at this kid.

Picture 5

Picture 6

Picture 7

Just absolutely crushing it. Gettin suuuper loose. Up until this point everyone has been pretty plutonic toward one another. Raging, but respecting one another for the most part. No violence. I’m not sure if its the setting or the characters that make me think at any minute, people are going to start pulling machetes out of their cargo pants and this thing is going to really get out of hand.

1:50 things have now officially gotten out of control. People are falling through the floor and there’s sheetrock everywhere and it’s louder than ever and where the hell are the cops in this town? It seems like a town where the cops would show up with shotguns and just start dumping fools. Who owns the house? Does anyone know? I know no one cares, but does anyone know who actually owns the house. I’m guessing no. Because that guy is going to be unbelievably upset when he sees this shit.

Picture 9

Oh shit it’s the cops. Is that a wedding ring? This is when the lead singer tells everyone to STFU so he can break the shit down. Thus far, we haven’t had to actually listen to any of the lyrics, and it’s very easy to understand what this song is about. It’s about working through frustrations by destroying things. Like 3 bedroom houses in suburban Iowa. Does anyone know where the neighbors are? Is anyone living in this town? Maybe this is the actual hometown of the band, and it’s part of the reason they turned out the way they did. ZERO ADULT SUPERVISION.

meanwhile, on the roof, this guy has a few questions.

Picture 10The first and most important being, what in GOD’s NAME am I doing here. He’s confused. Who can blame him? Look where he is! Look what’s going on around him! I’m not sure what’s going on at this point. It’s a complete dumpster fire. These people have come from the fields and they have destroyed this poor house as a demonic band called ‘Slipknot’ plays their hit single. I would actually believe it if someone told me this all actually happened and Slipknot just played in a random house and invited a couple hundred people over with instructions to ‘destroy all things innocent’. Good thing there aren’t any pets involved, because we all know they’d be disemboweled and hanging from the ceiling before the first breakdown.

The two things we can take from this video.

1. Slipknot as a whole, is a really really really weird group. I can’t empathize with them very well. I don’t know what fuels them. Things I probably don’t like/understand. They are aggressive and scary.

2. Slipknot as a whole, is really really really good. I’m not sure about the 6th 7th and 8th members, but at their core, they got game. That drummer is unreal. This song is awesome, and if it weren’t for Slipknot’s unusual image, they would probably be viewed much differently..I can’t figure out if the weird factor helps or hurts them. Prob a little of both. But they don’t care. Just steady rocking people. Stay the course ‘Knot. Stay the course.

A$AP Rocky May Have a Fuckin’ Problem

A$AP and the gang recently released the official music video for ‘Fuckin Problem’ ft Drake, 2 Chainz & Kendrick Lamar, and I just watched it. Of course I watched it. I had to watch it. Look at that lineup. But like pretty much else everything in life, I was skeptical.

But bro…its a$ap…

Yeah I know. The guy has a pretty impressive resume. If you wanna talk a$ap, then I’ll happily discuss how great LiveLoveA$AP was/still is. But if you tell me that the guy is gonna be all over the radio with Drake? and 2 Chainz? before he even released an album?

I’d say maybe it’s time to pump the brakes. Think about where we are in our careers. How far we’ve come…how far we must go. Then I’d hide in my room, smoke weed all day, and write my debut album…and it would be glorious. Because I don’t doubt his talent.

But here we go. Let’s watch this thing together shall we?


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Music Video Review: Thrift Shop, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

I’ll preface this review by stating prior to hearing his new album, The Heist, which I’d highly recommend, I had only heard of this guy a few times..never actually listened to what he had to say. This is a scene by scene, shot by shot review of his music video for the album’s hit single, Thrift Shop. 

So the video begins with a wide shot of a bunch of haggard looking people rocking really weird shit. Roller blades, fur coats, and scooters. Thrift shop shit. The crew is lead by a particularly strange looking fellow with a particularly strange looking haircut wearing a particularly strange coat. We’re thinking this is probably Macklemore, but there’s no way to be sure… because I’ve never seen a picture of the guy, and this dude is very very white.

Woahh a DeLorean. If thrift stores sold cars, they would sell DeLoreans. We’re to assume the driver of the car is Ryan Lewis – the album’s producer.

And there he is again, flanked by two bizarre looking women sucking down big-gulps and pulling him along on his scooter while he just chills. It looks pretty fun, to be perfectly honest. At this point we know he’s our protagonist. He hops in the whip.

0:40 – Macklemore starts rhyming immediately upon entering the club. His opening line, “Walk up to the club like what up I got a big cock/nah I’m just pumped up on shit from the thrift shop” He’s totally jazzed on his get-up. Mink, jeans, hoes. Standard proCEEJah.

“Ice on the fringe is so damn frosty/the people like, damn..that’s a cold-ass honky.” Says the convinced-looking black dude in the club. We’re starting to get the vibe, and we’re starting to rock with it. The song is incredibly catchy, and Macklemore flows quick with wit and we try to keep up, smiling most probably. We’re all starting to think we knew a kid exactly like this guy in high school.

“Draped in a leopard mink, girls standing next to me, prolly shoulda washed this, smells like R Kelly sheets….PISSSSSSSS” and we see an improvised R Kelly roll past the camera, blindfolded, and smiling like a pedophile.

1:06 We are now in a massive thriftstore/warehouse where Macklemore is hopping from sofa to sofa in a billowy mink while a crew of shady looking people dance through the aisles. Intercut with slow motion, and the beat is juiced. We cut to a creepy looking old man as Macklemore references stealing grandpa’s style. “They had a broken keyboard/I bought a broken keyboard/I bought a ski blanket/then I bought a kneeboard.” This speaks to the ridiculous assortment of shit one will find in any random thrift store. We see a cut of Mack kneeboarding, which is funny.

“I’m gonna pop some tags/only got twenty dollars in my pocket/looking for a come-up/this is f*#^ing awesomeeeeeee”

Hook time. We witness, throughout the video, that the hooks are performed by various people..none of whom are the actual artist.. well I’m not totally sure of that seeing as I can’t find any evidence that this person, Wanz, actually exists. But I’m guessing it’s not the first character featured on the hook – A massively obese white woman who stares at the camera like it’s an infant while she flawlessly recites the lyrics. It’s pretty funny, and is paired with solid camera work.

We’re off to the second and third verses, where Macklemore continues rapping about how awesome the items he finds in store are, and we watch as he and his conglomerate of ridiculous looking amigos get buck in the warehouse.

“They be like ohh that gucci that’s hella tight/I’m like yo, that’s 50 dollars for a t-shirt../limited edition lets do some simple addition 50 dollars for a t-shirt that’s just some ignorant bitch shieettttt/I call that get swindled and pimped, shiett/I call that getting tricked by a business/ that shirts hella dough/ and having the same one as six other people in this club is a hella DONT/ peep game, come take a look through my telescope/ tryin get girls from a brand, and you hella WONT”

Keep in mind that this album is currently the #1 selling album on iTunes, and is getting some serious pub. And it’s cool that his message is what it is. I mean, on its surface is completely stupid, but the overall thought is valuable. He’s on top and he doesn’t care about the material stuff we’re all so used to hearing about. The thrift store itself can be a symbol for either an actual thrift-shop, or more importantly for individuality…as cliche as that sounds. He’s from Seattle, this track is one of many quality songs you’ll get on The Heist…so go get it.

Laughter in the Dark: a simple review

I had not read any Nabokov. A simple fact that astonished a family friend of mine, and he insisted I do so right away. He retreated to his study and returned with the 1938 English translation(a translation done by the author himself) of Nabokov’s 1932 novel, Laughter in the Dark (previously, Kamera Obskura). 

Having just finished John Kennedy Toole’s, A Confederacy of Dunces, I was ensured a smooth transition from Toole’s protagonist: the horribly entitled and pompous fat man, Ignatius Reilly, to Nabokov’s lead role: Albert Albinus, the socially blind and lascivious middle-aged art critic. Both heinously flawed characters, Albinus’s voyage into idiocy is a bit more gradual than the outspoken and ever-aggressive Reilly whose constant threats to have his adversaries, “lashed until they collapse!” are slathered upon us from the opening paragraph.

Although we are informed of his ill-advised decisions almost immediately,

“He was rich, respectable, happy; one day he abandoned his wife for the sake of a youthful mistress; he loved; was not loved; and his life ended in disaster.”

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