A Confederacy of Douche: Titanic

Douche Bag: (noun) a word to describe a person, usually male, who has surpassed the level of other powerful adjectives such as dickhead or asshole, and has reached dirtbag nirvana. Has, on countless occasions (if not at all times), exemplified the traits of a brainless, self-focused organism, incapable of empathy or any thoughts associated with other human beings. SYNONYMS: snob, bastard, fucker, prick, assclown.

Most movies have the ‘douche’ character. Wedding Crashers, Caddy Shack, The Breakfast Club. All contain great examples of the archetypal douche bag. But no movie in the history of movies has a greater cast of douches than james cameron’s masterpiece, TITANIC.

Let’s start with the King Pin.

You.....you imbecile

You…..you imbecile

Cal Hockley. Possibly the biggest douche in cinematic history. I mean, just look at him.  He wears a tuxedo for basically the entire movie. He’s also played by Billy Zane, an incredibly douchy looking person. Hockley is the owner of several factories or something vague and its implied he doesnt actually do anything but makes a shitload of money because the world just fucking sucks. Perfect job for this guy. He starts the movie by hopping out of his horse drawn carriage describing the Titanic to his crew saying,

it has squash courts, a Parisian cafe…even Turkish baths.

Cal is happy that the Titanic has squash courts. You know Cal crushes punks on the squash courts back home like nobody’s FUCKING business. Probably calls down to his butler in the third set like ‘draw my Turkish bath BISH’. But Cal doesn’t really start spitting dick until the arrival of the film’s hero, Jack Dawson, played by everyone’s real-life hero, Leonardo DiCaprio. Cal fucking hates Jack. He says some unbelievably disrespectful things to the 3rd class tenant who ends up piping his fiancee in a burgundy model T just minutes before the iceberg tears a mortal wound in the side of the unsinkable ship. And how about the way he treats his unfaithful fiancé? Why would she ever want to fuck a 20 year-old kid who looks like LEonardo DiCaprio when she chill with Cal?!

Now you’d hope that when the going gets tough, even the douchiest of them all can muster some mutant form of compassion. Nope, not Cal. Instead of helping out the poor children of the 3rd class, Cal ends up SNEAKING ONTO A LIFEBOAT that is RESERVED FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN and escaping the sinking ship. Strong play, Cal. Strong play indeed.

#2. Rose’s Mother


No one knows her name. I don’t even think her character is given a name. It’s just titled ‘the stuck-up-red-haired-cunt-muscle’. I imagine to get into character, there were a team of interns that were tasked with hammering a bowling-pin up her ass and whispering unforgivable promises in her ear before each scene. Throughout the entire movie, she’s got this look on her face. Like her head is about to explode or something. Her character is horribly shallow. She wants Rose to marry Cal so she can keep her place in the upper class instead of knitting wool socks in some basement sweatshop. The desire isn’t so off-point, but the way she presents it to Rose comes off as extremely douche.

#3 This Guy


This guy fucking sucks. His name is Spicer Lovejoy and he is the absolute worst character in the movie. He’s actually shittier than Cal because his world is ruled by the idea that Cal is great. His job is to do whatever Cal says. And he just loves loves loves his job. He’s the idiot who spends the majority of the movie running through the hallways with an ornately engraved silver pistol looking for Jack. He’s trying to find Cal’s fiancé cheating on Cal. There really isnt much to say about this guy. But he belongs on the list because he fucking sucks. He’s also way older than anyone else. Now that i’m thinking about it, what exactly is he doing? What is his story? It might be kinda interesting.

Probably not though. It’s probably as pathetic as we all imagine.


Boring Afternoon Yields Discovery of Massively Underrated Movie: Galaxy Quest

Another horribly uneventful afternoon. I flip through the channels, as I do so many times throughout these days. I come across Galaxy Quest, a 1999 film about a group of sci-fi television stars who discover the world upon which their fictional show is based, actually exists. It’s a movie I saw when I was younger and loved, so I decided to entertain my childhood inkling and get locked in. But one must be careful when watching a beloved film from his/her childhood. The grading criterium is much looser with children than it is with cynical 24 year-olds. I thought The Perfect Storm was the greatest movie every when it came out. Then I watched it last year and laughed my way through about 85% of it. Seeing as it was a childhood favorite, my guard was up.

Let’s start with a lengthy explanation of the film’s plot. Tim Allen plays Jason Nesmith, a somewhat relevant tv actor who plays the lead role in a sci-fi tv show called, Galaxy Quest.  He is flanked by Sigourney Weaver and Allan Rickman. The show, whether it admits it or not, is a blatant replica of Star Trek. The basic idea could be translated into, what if Leonard Nimoy and William Shattner were summoned into outer space, where they discovered an entire civilization built upon the ideals and themes of their earth-based, completely fictional and completely stupid tv show. Aforementioned civilization was under attack, and leaned upon the help of their idols in order to defeat their enemies and continue their existence.

Nesmith and his team of struggling actors find themselves in the middle of intergalactic war,  and are expected to save an entire race of aliens, who may be the funniest people in the movie. What follows is impromptu crash course in how to drive space ships through mine fields, how to shoot laser guns, and how to deal with people who worship you for all the wrong reasons. The last of which is not at all discussed in the film, but is more of a thematic comment. The final product is a hilarious bit of satire aimed at the comic-con population, but is in no way offensive or cutting. It’s great comedy.

Tim Allen, as Jason Nesmith

I’m not sure where he was in his career, but whatever success came after 1999 should undoubtedly be attributed to his role in GQ. Jason Nesmith is the star of the show, and pretty much the only one happy with his situation. He gets all the love, and can’t understand why the other members of the show don’t share his enthusiasm. We do get a brief look into the private life of his character, and see that it is riddled with alcohol abuse and unhappiness. Tim Allen by the way, is in my opinion, a tremendously under-appreciated actor. I don’t often brag about it, but growing up, if Seinfeld and Home Improvement were on at the same time, I went with Allen nine times out of ten. He does great work in this movie, and is constantly pissing everyone off with his overwhelming enthusiasm. He, more than other characters, undergoes tremendous change and is undoubtedly the movie’s protagonist.

Sigourney Weaver as Gwen Demarco

As you would expect, everyone’s character on the show has a specific job. Gwen Demarco’s job is extremely simple. She is responsible for communicating with the ships master computer. She alone can speak to it, even though everyone can hear what it says. She seems to be the overall voice of reason, and takes it upon herself to keep all the guys under control. She has an amazing body in this film, and it has me wondering what in the hell has happened since 1999. I guess that’s long enough to go from this to whatever the hell she was thinking in Avatar. This is the only film I can think of where I actually find Weaver extremely sexy…a thought that doesn’t usually come to mind when thinking of Sigourney Weaver. But she pulls it off. Brilliant performance from the left wing, tree hugging nut-case.

Tony Shalhoub as Fred Kwan

Everyone recognizes Monk, but Shalhoub plays almost the exact opposite role in this film. Rather than the OCD, high-strung detective in Monk, he plays a laid-back, ‘far out’, open minded technician in Galaxy Quest. Of all the characters, Kwan adapts to the bizarre situation almost seamlessly. He is the only character who pursues a romantic relationship with one of the aliens, and continually pops on-screen from the engine room with terrible news. He is clearly far too okay with the entire situation, which in turn angers everyone else, and his attitude toward everything is completely nonchalant.

Alan Rickman as Alexander Dane

Dane plays the show’s half-human, half-alien thing we’re all so familiar with after star trek. He is by far the most bitter of all the characters, and absolutely hates everyone and everything involved with the show. This is primarily because he sees the show for the joke it really is, and is more concerned with furthering his career as a student of Shakespeare.  Dane wears a rubber thing on his head that is supposed to be indicative of his unearthly roots, but as the movie progressive, the wig becomes more and more disheveled until his hair eventually breaks through the surface and is completely visible. It’s a funny progression, and seems to mirror the story’s movement.

Daryl Mitchell as Tommy Webber

Tommy is the driver of the ship, and is expected to know everything about the ship’s controls immediately upon arrival. The problem is that he knows nothing. He, unlike other members of the group, actually grows into his role. He provides some of that ‘black dude’ commentary while complaining as much as the next guy. Webber is oftentimes forgotten about in scenes, but we are usually reminded that he is massively under-qualified to be operating whatever spacecraft they may be using. He constantly yells at people to stop giving him shit, and if they want to do drive the damn ship, they can be his damn guest.

Sam Rockwell as Guy and MVP of the Movie

Guy is out of his element. Guy gets involved after asking the team if he can pull up a chair and sign some of his head-shots at a convention in Los Angeles. He has no permanent role on the show, and was only featured in one episode, in which he was killed before the opening credits. No one knows his real name, so they call him Guy, because the title of his actual character was Crewman #6. His desire to be ‘one of the gang’ is over-powering, and completely inappropriate, given the stakes of the situation. He knows more about the show than anyone else, freaks out more than anyone else, and continually floods conversations with his desire to be loved.

However, Guy’s victory is perhaps greater than anyone’s, as he is granted a full time position on the show and we can all assume his life is complete.

Galaxy Quest. It’s my underrated movie of the year nominee, and I encourage any and everyone to watch it immediately.