SkyMall: So many choices

SkyMall. We all know it. We all secretly love it. It’s a stack of papers we begin examining while the plane is still on the ground, and we’re too anti-social to talk to the stranger sitting next to us. You flip through a few pages and start to see some interesting shit. It’s like ‘FUCK I invented that in my 6th grade science fair! That prick better not be getting rich off this shit!’ Then you consider a life of luxury thanks to your doggy-bed-ramps just flying off the shelves. The factory cant pump them out fast enough. Shipping internationally… to the farthest corners of the earth – everyone wants a ramp so their 17 year-old cocker spaniel can crawl up onto the bed without jumping, and walk down without jumping off, breaking her back on impact, and dying right there on the carpet.

It would be an awesome thing if SkyMall had a sweepstakes and the winner got to just flip through the magazine and say ‘yes’ ‘yes’ ‘yes’ ‘yes’ to everything they wanted without having to seriously consider whether or not they truly wanted an exact, functioning replica of the Marauders Map. Annnd that’s a shitty example… bc that would be fucking awesome.

Let’s cover a few of the more ridiculous items featured in the magazine.

1. This fucking thing. The notorious Sky Rest.
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Does anyone know anyone who has every used one of these. We’ve all looked at this picture and reacted in similar ways. This guy is out. He’s had a looong day. I wish that shirt didnt match the headrests so well. Seems to make the situation weird. I also wish he wasn’t a middle aged man with a mustache. Why not use an attractive young professional? I mean, this guy may be snoozing gently thanks to the SkyRest…but maybe he just took 2 xanax and slammed a cup of red wine en route to an 8 hour nap that starts in LA and ends in Maui. We’ll never know the truth will we?

So I assume you have to blow this thing up after you get on the plane right? Hope you’re not sitting next to someone you’re trying to impress…bc that’s a ‘fuck you i’m doing this’ move that’s pretty tough to recover from.

‘yeah it’s like a inflatable pillow thing that you rest on tray and lean against. yeah it’s pretty big….works great though.’

Then you spend 5 minutes puffing on this thing until you’re red in the face. Then you order a red wine and slam it while the stewardess is handing your neighbors their drinks. Then you order another before she walks away and drink it casually while listening to Enya’s ‘Orinico Flow’ and considering your complex vacation itinerary. Then you take half a xanax bar and wake up wherever it is that you’re going. THAT’S how you handle lengthy flights.

(side note: how awesome and underrated is Enya? unreal.)

2. This garden decoration.

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Ahh yes. The Zombie of Montclaire Moors.

Who in their right mind would put this thing in their yard?

‘ahh yes Marsha i just love what you’ve done with the zucchini patch this year, it looks like they’re almost ready to-OH MY GOD!!! 

And Aunt Margaret stumbles backward into the Koi Pond and cracks her femur. Ruins her whole goddamn day. That Zombie of Montclaire. Just lurking behind the zucchini patch, begging someone to pull him from his grave. Is that what he’s doing? Is he looking for help…or is he looking for blood? Who knows.

3. The Hand Reflexology Massager

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The array of personal care products in SkyMall is completely astounding. They have everything from zit sucking vacuums to anti-hair loss laser helmets. Don’t even start on the arthritic and bunion relieving devices. Some of those are beyond strange. Medieval almost. And then there’s this thing. A little machine that massages your hands for you. What’s to say this thing doesn’t short circuit and turn your hand into a spatula? Not sure. Not sure at all. Remember this scene? Yeah, no thanks.

If i want a ‘hand massage’, I’m prob headed down to the double dragon thai massage parlor for a 15 dollar journey that ends with a swan dive to the bottom of a warm, milk chocolate river of desire. I actually heard about a guy recently who went to an NYC rub-and-tug joint and ended up getting locked in a concrete room in the basement where he was robbed, and then got blasted with a firehose for several minutes before his assailants unlocked the door to the alley through which he limped and assumedly sprinted back to his apartment for a 72 hour shame nap.

But yeah, i’m not gonna buy this little contraption. In what setting is it appropriate to use this thing? Just slap this thing on your desk at work and stuff your mitt in there for 10 minutes while reading some stupid sophisticated liberal bullshit article on Gawker about which not one person on this planet should give a shit? No way. That’s out of line. Watch a movie w/ the GF and whip this thing out? One hand reaching for 2nd base and the other wrist deep in the Reflexology Massager? I dont think so. Sure, it might feel good, but letting another human see it is social suicide.

Theme of the story? Never be ashamed to whip out the newest edition of SkyMall and start digging. Hell, maybe start a conversation with the girl who just sat next to you, and let the ridiculous items in that magazine serve as the foundation. When starting a conversation with funny items in a SkyMall magazine….the possibilities and discussion directions are endless. So take advantage of that little booklet that’s provided in every seat back.

You Are Now Free to Look About the Cabin

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So I’ve been on a few airplanes in the past month, and I’ve come to a pretty basic conclusion. Airplanes are full of extremely bizarre people. That may not be the most novel statement you’ve heard recently, but in the last several weeks- I’ve found it to be extremely accurate.

Now. I’m not extremely wealthy. In fact, I’m rather poor. Pauperized, if you will. If my mom invites me to lunch, I’m going to go. Every. Fucking. Time. What this means is there is only one airline I empower. Don’t get me wrong, Southwest is great. I repeat: SOUTHWEST IS GREAT. If you’re sitting next to a decent looking girl and you’ve got a few drink coupons, it’s probably going to be an enjoyable experience.

Reasons why that NEVER fucking happens:

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