The Real Slim Shady

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So there’s a special on Fuse TV right now about Eminem. It’s going through his top 20 music videos, and i’m really enjoying it. It’s reminding me of how awesome Eminem was, and the impact, good or bad, that he had on the children of my generation.

First off lets talk briefly about this channel, Fuse. The two women hosting this show look like they should be working in a nail salon somewhere in NJ. On their iPhones at all times, stealing cash from the till, ignoring all paperwork and slowly driving the business into the ground. I also just learned that Fuse has a show that features two members of the Insane Clown Posse watching music videos and just talking shit about them. That’s the entire show.

Without Me is an incredible music video

Introducing the Great Marshall Mathers. This is unbelievably good stuff. I’m not going to launch myself into a dissertation about the devolution of Slim Shady, because that would be a tired piece of writing thats already been perfected. I’m not good enough to gather all the necessary information and prove my point that Eminem spearheaded an entire generation of music and music lovers that finally felt that it was okay to both create, and listen to the music they cared about. Eminem spit in faces that had previously been untouchable. Hawking venom infused bombs at people from Moby to George Bush to his own mother. You get it. He sucks now. I can’t even listen to his new stuff. 

A couple references to ‘The Up in Smoke’ tour. Which featured a ridiculous line up of rappers that were unanimously hated by the mothers and fathers of 7th grade kids. Which is from whom i had to ask permission when the tour rumbled through my home town in 2001. Needless to say that was a short conversation.

up in smoke




Ben Scrivens was traded to Edmonton today for a third round draft pick. Yes, it happened and sadly it makes sense. Scrivens would be an UFA after this season, and we can all trust Dean Lombardi when it comes to these types of decisions. Sell high on the goalies. Ben stepped up to the plate when Quick iced his balls for 2 months and he did so with unheralded suaveness. He played a total of 19 games, and was 7-5-4 with a 1.97 GAA and a .931 SVP…which means save percentage, not scott van pelt, whom i adore. Scrivens was the 4th goalie in franchise history to notch a no-hitter in his first start for the team. He was the first King to tally back-to-back road shutouts.


Because deep down, in the juicy ventricular walls of my presumed healthy heart…i love Ben Scrivens. And his stupid side-part. Because he was the hand that speared into the icy waters of fear and pulled me out of limbo. And he did it with such elegance. He did it with a certain, ‘why are you worried’ mentality that injected comfort into the veins of an anxious fan like a hot load of China White heroin.

A King Without a Crown.

Screen Shot 2014-01-15 at 10.39.08 PMBut now he’s gone. Disappeared. A shadow in the ignorance of hot afternoon heat, but the sun has set on the side-part. Slowly sinking behind the Santa Monica mountains, and pushing a dark carpet over the legend of Ben Scrivens. Shaking hands and bowing as he slowly backpedals through that door, i’m sure. Polite as ever, thanking any and everyone who believed in him; everyone involved in the trade; everyone who gave him a chance. Begging anyone in the room to act like they’re not devastated as the door quietly clicks shut.

His legacy now lives on through the stories of his quick glove, historic video bombs behind that human canker-sore named Patrick O’Neil, and of course…the hair. Always the hair. Immediately ignoring the tradition of the backup-wears-a-team-hat-on-the-sideline..Scrivens started his kings campaign with gusto. I feel ashamed to have been surprised by his interstellar play. So here’s goodbye to Benjamin Scrivens, the cedric diggory of a truly gryffindor-esque franchise, and the hero of what ultimately may become another successful season in Tinsel Town.

Keep in mind that throughout this entire post, i’ve been listening to Matisyahu, and have discovered he’s recently released some absolute FUEGO. Started with King Without a Crown, and I only played it 3 times before moving on to something else. Thats saying something. Listen to this shit! Looks like he shaved the trademark’d jew-beard. Thaaaaat appears to have been a horrible decision. And very possibly the reason this song/video never really took off. 6 million views? I’ve never heard of it.

One of the worst music videos i’ve ever seen. But blast it regardless.