A Confederacy of Douche: Titanic

Douche Bag: (noun) a word to describe a person, usually male, who has surpassed the level of other powerful adjectives such as dickhead or asshole, and has reached dirtbag nirvana. Has, on countless occasions (if not at all times), exemplified the traits of a brainless, self-focused organism, incapable of empathy or any thoughts associated with other human beings. SYNONYMS: snob, bastard, fucker, prick, assclown.

Most movies have the ‘douche’ character. Wedding Crashers, Caddy Shack, The Breakfast Club. All contain great examples of the archetypal douche bag. But no movie in the history of movies has a greater cast of douches than james cameron’s masterpiece, TITANIC.

Let’s start with the King Pin.

You.....you imbecile

You…..you imbecile

Cal Hockley. Possibly the biggest douche in cinematic history. I mean, just look at him.  He wears a tuxedo for basically the entire movie. He’s also played by Billy Zane, an incredibly douchy looking person. Hockley is the owner of several factories or something vague and its implied he doesnt actually do anything but makes a shitload of money because the world just fucking sucks. Perfect job for this guy. He starts the movie by hopping out of his horse drawn carriage describing the Titanic to his crew saying,

it has squash courts, a Parisian cafe…even Turkish baths.

Cal is happy that the Titanic has squash courts. You know Cal crushes punks on the squash courts back home like nobody’s FUCKING business. Probably calls down to his butler in the third set like ‘draw my Turkish bath BISH’. But Cal doesn’t really start spitting dick until the arrival of the film’s hero, Jack Dawson, played by everyone’s real-life hero, Leonardo DiCaprio. Cal fucking hates Jack. He says some unbelievably disrespectful things to the 3rd class tenant who ends up piping his fiancee in a burgundy model T just minutes before the iceberg tears a mortal wound in the side of the unsinkable ship. And how about the way he treats his unfaithful fiancé? Why would she ever want to fuck a 20 year-old kid who looks like LEonardo DiCaprio when she chill with Cal?!

Now you’d hope that when the going gets tough, even the douchiest of them all can muster some mutant form of compassion. Nope, not Cal. Instead of helping out the poor children of the 3rd class, Cal ends up SNEAKING ONTO A LIFEBOAT that is RESERVED FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN and escaping the sinking ship. Strong play, Cal. Strong play indeed.

#2. Rose’s Mother


No one knows her name. I don’t even think her character is given a name. It’s just titled ‘the stuck-up-red-haired-cunt-muscle’. I imagine to get into character, there were a team of interns that were tasked with hammering a bowling-pin up her ass and whispering unforgivable promises in her ear before each scene. Throughout the entire movie, she’s got this look on her face. Like her head is about to explode or something. Her character is horribly shallow. She wants Rose to marry Cal so she can keep her place in the upper class instead of knitting wool socks in some basement sweatshop. The desire isn’t so off-point, but the way she presents it to Rose comes off as extremely douche.

#3 This Guy


This guy fucking sucks. His name is Spicer Lovejoy and he is the absolute worst character in the movie. He’s actually shittier than Cal because his world is ruled by the idea that Cal is great. His job is to do whatever Cal says. And he just loves loves loves his job. He’s the idiot who spends the majority of the movie running through the hallways with an ornately engraved silver pistol looking for Jack. He’s trying to find Cal’s fiancé cheating on Cal. There really isnt much to say about this guy. But he belongs on the list because he fucking sucks. He’s also way older than anyone else. Now that i’m thinking about it, what exactly is he doing? What is his story? It might be kinda interesting.

Probably not though. It’s probably as pathetic as we all imagine.