Dinosaur Dialogue

So yesterday, after participating in one of the most worthless events in recent memory, I was crammed into a car full of coworkers and drove home crammed next to the rear window of a toyota corolla. 4 people in the back seat just doesn’t work anymore. It’s extremely uncomfortable and pisses everyone off. But putting someone in the trunk is completely out of bounds socially, which doesn’t really make a ton of sense, but suggesting that would have been.

In certain situations, when you have several different people from several different genres, it’s easier to talk about specific things than it is to just sit around and make vague statements about what you all just went through. An example of this is the classic, ‘what was your favorite (insert stupid childhood thing) growing up’ and then everyone chimes in and defends their own stupid childhood thing and tries to tell you how stupid your stupid childhood thing was.

And thus we began talking of Dinosaurs.

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Dinosaurs were great. Who knows if they ever actually existed, but they were fucking awesome to learn about. Who didn’t love those dinosaur coloring books. They probably existed.. but does anyone really know wtf was going on 200 million years ago? 200 million years.

200. million. years.

No. No one knows. But yeah their bones have been studied extensively by weirdos for quite some time now. And how about that for a profession.

“Howard, what line of work are you in? How are you continuing to make payments on this ocean-front mansion in Santa Cruz?”

“Thanks for asking, Jared. I study dinosaur bones.”

If the word ‘dinosaur’ is included in your job description, then you should be extremely proud to be an American. You think that position exists in Burma? I don’t fucking think so!

So the question arises in the packed little Toyota. It’s asked by the driver, who obviously is trying to make conversation, seeing as it’s her car and she’s responsible for the social comfort of all her passengers. Really a cop-out if you ask me. The dude sitting next to me answers immediately.

“Velociraptor.”

Which I assume was his answer only because he loves the movie Stepbrothers, but very well may be his favorite.. seeing as it’s the most popular answer on the fucking planet. The car carries on for several minutes about how awesome Raptors are and I make a DeMar DeRozan joke and no one laughs. I don’t have a chance to honestly respond before the girl in shotgun whines out,

“My favorite was always the Triceritops.”

I let out an audible moan. She went with Triceritops. I bet her favorite color is blue and her lucky number is 7. But here’s the thing about Triceritops that doesn’t really get acknowledged very often…they’re kind of fucking awesome, and extremely overlooked as a top contender. Now, i’m not saying the bird-brain sitting in shotgun knows anything about the ‘tops other than it was her favorite character in ‘Land Before Time’, but regardless she made a decent selection. The triceratops isnt trying to be anything it isn’t. It eats grass, shits big, and will drive you into the dirt if you look at it the wrong way. The obvious downside is it’s super feminine and equates to an oversized Rhinoceros. But you don’t want one of those things getting pissed at you. No. you. do. not.

The group goes back and forth for a bit before home-boy next to me hits the group with this,

“Dude. DUDE. Easy. You guys probably don’t know about this one, but i’m dropping that dino-knowledge for free. Stegosaurus. All day.”

The classic, dude-who-thinks-he-knows-a-ton-about-a-somewhat-strange-subject but in reality makes himself look like a clown when he answers with one of the most popular answers ever. Every 3rd kid in any given 5th grade classroom picks the Stegosaurus. And he gets no points for his answer either. Stegosaurus is loserville. Has a stegosaurus ever actually killed anything with that spike tail? It’s like every picture you see it looks like the Stegosaurus is a half-second away from burying that thing into someones face. But i’m not sure that ever happened. I think they bark quite a bit. No bite tho. C+ for the selection and F for the delivery. I let my opinion be known and am shot down aggressively for telling the group that the stegosaurus is a massive poser, and looks like free dinner to any semi-masculine animal of that time period.

Like a rapid pack of the Dilophosaurus, which was my answer.

Dilophosaurus-Gabriel-LioThat’s right. .

You want to play the ‘whats your favorite dinosaur game’, then strap it up because i’m going 110%. I didn’t skip all those recesses with my nose buried in dinosaur picture books for nothing. I didn’t miss out on playing co-ed games of red-rover to get shown up by a car full of naive shitbrains who are just now starting to realize that dinosaur knowledge has value and holds weight in conversations like these; a car full of kids who just picked the T-Rex picture, named him Rex, and asked for a fucking cookie. It was for this exact situation. You may know the Dilophosaurus as the spitting creature that dominates Newman in Jurassic Park..who for some reason goes full retard when he tries to escape with the shaving cream canister. An easy target, i’ll give you that, but the Dilophosaurus is supreme.

Of course no one had anything to say about my answer, because up until the comment was made, no one had any fucking idea what a Dilophosaurus was. The point is, where are my fellow Dino scholars? They’re out there. Living in ocean-front mansions in Santa Cruz and slamming milfs before the steaks are done and after the kids are snoring. I picked the wrong profession.