Bear Grylls vs. Jeremy Wade

The two juggernauts of an otherwise pretty slackjaw’d Animal Planet lineup. Like any situation involving two greats on a single platform, it’s time we decide who is Batman, and who is the gay counterpart in yellow tights. And by gay I mean bland and sold out.

OUR TALE OF THE TAPE

BEAR GRYLLS
A swash buckling, knife whistling Eagle Scout.

Ex British Special Forces, Grylls plays hardball. After breaking his back in a sky-diving accident, Grylls was told he may never walk again. The accident occurred in Zambia btw. That’s in Africa btw. 18 months later Grylls climbed Everest. Grylls has several black-belts and once crossed the Atlantic Ocean in an inflatable raft.

Grylls reached the peak of his popularity with Discovery Channel’s ‘Man vs Wild‘, a television series about how to survive in the most extreme conditions imaginable. It featured Grylls dominating every one of these unthinkable situations. Step by step he would show you how to: catch and eat raw fish, drink your own urine, turn a dead seal into a wet suit, etc etc. Grylls was a natural on-screen, as he seemed completely at home humiliating himself in the most bizarre of situations.

“If you had to cross a fast flowing river like this, in these sort of conditions, the most important thing is to keep your clothes dry. If you end up in there, even if you’re out the other side with soaking wet clothes, they’re going to freeze around you within minutes, and you’ll die. So what I’m gonna do, is strip my clothes off, stick em in the rucksack, throw em across….and then swim for it.”

That’s Bear Grylls moments before he gets ass naked and jumps into a stream somewhere in the middle of Siberia. It’s a fancy, stuck-up way of saying, “I’m gonna get naked and PWN this pussy little stream, and honestly, I don’t really give a fuck that its -80 degrees outside.” It was scenes like this that catapulted Grylls into fame. Unfortunately everyone eventually found out that he’s an enormous vagina. Evidently during some of his ‘adventures’, he and the crew would stop rolling film, head to a motel 6, and resume the next morning acting like the guy had actually spent the night out there. You can’t do that to us bro.

Not up in here.

So they slap a disclaimer on the opening credits in a desperation, ‘don’t be hatin’ sort of way, but of course it doesn’t work, and the public wanted his head. Live by the sword, die by the sword bro. Not totally sure if that works there, but I think you get it.

JEREMY WADE
The Freshwater Fishing Phenom

No one really knows anything about Jeremy Wade. Some say he’s feral..that he was raised by aborigines in papa new guinea.

Shit, I’d believe it.

The host of Animal Planet’s smash-hit series, River Monsters, Wade is no bullshit. How much bullshit you ask? ZERO FUCKING BULLSHIT. His wikipedia page is about 100 words long. Grylls page is several volumes deep. You think Jeremy fucking Wade gives a shit about anything like that? The guy just wants to bait line and SET HOOKS. What we have here, is not the vain and pretentious mangina we examined earlier in Bear Grylls, but a selfless and steadfast angler who cares only about capturing the worlds most dangerous aquatic predators.

Freshwater, aquatic predators.

That means no sharks and other obvious shit. That means creatures like this.

The African Demon Fish. The part of this video that isn’t shown is the portion where he kills that thing, and returns it to the village, where everyone takes turns hoisting the enormous dead fish above their heads like its the Stanley Cup and exalt J Wade as their king and as their God. But J’s cool about it, per usual. He’s all, ‘nah i just rip lip’. The guy is just so real, and you can tell he genuinely loves to fish. I’m from a place where fly fishing is pretty much king, but honestly, I don’t have a problem with the way J Wade goes about his business. It’s clear he only cares about one thing.

Slaying the worlds River Monsters. He actually he releases most of them, true philanthropist. But he wont hesitate to bash some fish brain with a stick if the going get tough.

DECISION.

Wade. and it’s not close. Here’s the problem with Grylls. He’s become such an antithesis it’s hard to respect him. He specializes in outdoor survival/ruggedness which would usually imply that he is of the ‘no bullshit’ type, but he jumps on tv every other commercial break with some new product with his initials on it. Yes, they’re all ‘rugged’ products, but still, if he were true to his beginnings, he would not be endorsing a bunch of overpriced dogshit that hangs in walmarts all across the states.

Wade is genuine. He’s relatively low key, he’s always engaged and he’s a team player. He enjoys fishing, which means he more than likely enjoys gripping cheap beer with his boys at noon on Sundays. From Florida crocodiles to South American electric eels, Wade stays the course.

 

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