Take a couple seconds and try to think of the most worthless person on television.
Odds are you landed on this guy.
WeeMan. The comedic midget relief in mtv’s really stupid show, Jackass. He himself is not funny. He’s never had any funny lines. All he ever says is, “ohhhhh duudddee.” He just does things that are funny because they’re being done by a really small and funny looking human. Isn’t that the definition of a midget? A really small and funny looking human. The fact we all have to force down is that WeeMan is famous and we’re not. Which sucks.
But at the core, he’s still just a really small and funny looking human.
So one night I had an encounter with little WeeMan. It didn’t go very well. That could be because when called upon, WeeMan couldn’t convince me that he’s the ‘crazy motherfucker’ that we all think he is. It could also be because this encounter went down on the night of my 21st birthday.
So my friends and I are having a nice dinner to celebrate my 21st birthday. It’s early, but it’s my 21st. At a certain point, we all hear some chatter and see some heads turn toward a table near the back of the patio. It’s little WeeMan and his conglomerate. And by conglomerate I mean four huge tattoo covered idiots wearing sunglasses. If we wanna talk hierarchy of losers, those guys are fucked. WeeMan’s conglomerate. I wonder if he gets drunk and bosses them around. Tells them to do weird shit.
I approach the table. It’s my 21st birthday.
In my hands I have two shots. One for me-the birthday boy, and the other for WeeMan-the ‘crazy mother fucker’ who drinks horse skeet on mTV for a living.
“Hey WeeMan, hows it goin. It’s my 21st birthday today, and I was wondering if you’d take a shot with me.”
Perfectly reasonable proposal if you ask me. I thought he’d jump on it, maybe turn it into some crazy game where the loser gets tazed or some shit. I was drunk enough to be with that. I was excited. I extend my arm. The shot inches from his face.
Then he hits me with this.
WeeMan: “Ohhhhhh duuude. OHHHHH DUUUUUUUDE. What is it dude?” He’s got his fist all in his mouth and shit. Lookin at the shot, then to his bros, then back to the shot. Like I just dropped a briefcase full of money on the table.
me: “It’s well vodka.”
WeeMan sucks his teeth. I’m baffled. I can’t believe this. I just drunkenly asked a member of the Jackass crew if he’d take a shot with me, and his response was..what is it dude? I was crushed.
WeeMan: “Ahh man, I don’t think so dude.”
Long story short, WeeMan agrees to cheers me, gives me a ‘happy bday’, and tosses the shot in his buddy’s screwdriver. What a fucking waste. I should have just said okay, and taken both of them. That would have been boss. It would have been even more boss if i took both shots, pulled out a bic while I held the booze in my mouth and straight torched the little fucker. But I didn’t do that. I took my shot and returned to my table of friends, who were just as embarrassed as I was.
Was that question out of line? Should I not have done that? I thought he’d just be like ‘fuck yeah man happy bday next round’s on me’. I mean, the guy is in Jackass. Asking a member of that crew to take a shot with you is like asking the pope to pray with you. Like asking Martha Stuart It’s what they do. Or at least I thought.
But I didn’t let it ruin my night. Ohhh no I did not. I went on to have a fabulous night. Yes, I got unacceptably drunk and yes I vomited all over the place. And yes, I ran into WeeMan again. He’s on stage at some shit-stain bar dancing with some hooker-looking girls and I’m in the back of the room sucking an AMF to the ice, calling him names. Little WeeMan up there dancing. Like seriously dancing. It was great.
I don’t have a problem with midgets. or dwarves. or little people. Whatever they’re called. I won’t tell you they aren’t weird and a little bit uncomfortable..because they are both of those things. But I don’t have a problem with them. I have a problem with WeeMan, the image he reps so hard, and the fact that he wouldn’t take one shot with a jubilant/drunk kid on his 21st birthday.
People don’t forget