Are you not entertained?!

MMA is growing.


MMA is Exploding, and has been for quite some time. Mostly thanks to Dana White and his UltimateFightingChampionship, fights in The Octagon have come a long, long way. And how pimp is that guy by the way? Just dropping F-bombs in those tight-ass shirts. I remember watching Don Frye crack skulls in his American flag spankies, Asic wrestling shoes, and fucking knee pads. That dude could throw. Looked like Daniel Day Lewis out there caving faces. Damnit he was cool. In fact, I might say the coolest. The guy had some golden quotes too, because guys like that always have golden quotes.

“That was like prison sex: hard, sweaty, violent, and there was a lot of noise.” -Comment about preliminary fights that no one cares about

“Goddamn, you get to hand pick his opponents for him for awhile, then someone who is a halfway decent athlete comes along and hits him once and he pisses his pants and runs. If he wasn’t in a cage he would still be running”-Comment about Brock Lesnar, and his loss to Cain Velasquez

Well rounded guy. Not a lot of Don Frye’s left in today’s UFC. That’s because Don Frye, as much as I hate to admit it, would probably get his ass kicked in todays fights.  That’s because the sport just won’t allow things that it used to. When someone stepped into that cage with a Frye, or a Tank Abbot, they knew the fight wasn’t going to ‘go to the ground’ or ‘test their take-down defense’. The bell was going to ring, they were going to approach the other man, and they would exchange punches to the face and abdomen until someone went down. It was great.

Point I’m getting at, is the sport is rapidly evolving. Guys used to wear shoes in there. Used to wear karate outfits/robe things and kick each others’ asses. Weight classes? Mouth guards? Go fuck yourself. There wasn’t much to it, it was a simple, “Hey man, who do you think would win in a fight, that guy or that fucking guy?”

It was unbelievably entertaining. But ever since they started making the sport ‘safer’ and more ‘well-rounded’, it slowly began to suck. They introduced weight classes, outlawed the shoes (and other sweet accessories, like kneepads and muscle shirts), and began requiring blood tests. No hep-C blood on the mat? Are you serious?


It’s becoming too evenly matched. The UFC has hit a wall. The fights are ‘too good’, if you will. Dana White couldn’t be happier when a title fight goes the distance. In fact, he believes that the recent bout between Mauricio Shogun Rua and Dan Henderson, “Should have been ruled a draw.” Yeah that’s the ticket Dana. Lets start implementing ties. You think Don Frye would agree with that? That sentence doesn’t even get out of your mouth before he knocks all your teeth out. Because Don Frye is a boss. How many times do I have to say that? Shit.

I’m getting a bit carried away here, but I’m trying to make a point. The UFC is headed in the wrong direction. Pretty soon it will be right were boxing is right now. In the shit tank. People keep calling mma the closest thing modern society has to the gladiatorial games. They may be true, but it’s still light years away. I don’t think the Roman populace would be happy with a tie. In fact, I know they wouldn’t. Maximus Decimus Meridius isn’t chill with ties. Dude had a gash on his shoulder with maggots crawling around in it. Something needs to happen, and I think you guys see where this is going. Because you see, other than this ‘tie’ issue, there is still one lingering difference.

The fights should no longer be 3 rounds. They shouldn’t be 5 rounds either.

They should be TO THE DEATH.

Intense? Yes. Over the top? Perhaps. Entertaining? You bet your ass. Now before you dismiss this brilliant idea, allow me to take the stand.

Point #1. The UFC has to find new ways to be innovative. It was ‘new’ and ‘cool’ and ‘badass’ for a long time. Probably a lot longer than it should have. If they wish to continue that trend, then society/Father Time will demand change. It’s something business folk call a ‘breakout’ innovation. It “significantly ups the level of play within an existing category.” We can take that both literally and figuratively in this case. It’s perfect.

Point #2. A lot of the time, a loss on the big stage is the end of a career. Most of these meatheads would probably rather die than lose their fighting careers anyway. It’s called passion, weaklings. If you can continue living when that which you love is dead, then what the fuck are you worth anyway?

Point #3. Why not? I mean, it’s not like these guys are very versatile. Can anyone imagine working in the cubicle next to Brock Lesnar? Sitting in there watching porn and eating Jack Links.  No way that guy lasts more than a week in any normal occupation. That is unless he threatens authority with violence. That’d be nice. You know the dweebs down in IT start quivering when Lesnar kicks open the door. They all look at each other, then some pathetic little pissant is offered up to Lord Lesnar, who then jams the guys head into the toilet and laughs while he flushes it. Swirlies. Those would fucking suck wouldn’t they. Some beefcake stuffing your face into a toilet. God forbid there’s piss in there, and WHAT IF THERE’S POOP IN THERE? Safe to say that’s everyone’s worst nightmare: getting a swirly in a shit-filled toilet bowl.

Dana White and his crew of executive dutch-bags think that the UFC has unlimited potential. And I agree. They have to stay ahead of the curve. They cannot afford to remain stagnate for any longer. With this trendy change, everyone wins.

Except the guy who gets killed. He loses.