The red-headed red herring

The NCAA football game. It’s popular. People enjoy playing it. The EA franchise invests millions upon millions of dollars in the gaming market’s only, and therefor most popular college football game. In one month alone, EA sold nearly 1,000,000 copies of NCAA 2011. How about that.

But this post isn’t about some stupid ass video game. It’s about some choad who somehow ended up on the cover in 2008.

His name is Jared Zabransky, and he’s an inbred, meth-smoking hillbilly. Granted, he did lead the  Boise State Broncos to a BCS victory over Oklahoma in the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. And by lead I mean he threw a pick 6 with like, a minute left in regulation to give to the Sooners a 35-28 advantage. Then Dumbledore showed up and Petrificus Totalus’ed everyones’ ass while Zabransky and the Broncos pushed the game into OT with a 50 yard hook-and-lateral play that was actually pretty fucking awesome. You know the story, you saw the game.  Adrian Peterson ripped off a 25 yard td on the first play of overtime, but it was all for naught as the Broncos won the game on a ridiculous 1-2 punch involving a halfback pass, and something called the ‘Statue of Liberty’.

But ‘Z’ had nothing to do with those last two plays. Yeah. His nickname is ‘Z’. His nickname is Z because he has an enormous ‘Z’ tatoo’d on his right arm. He also has chops and a fu-manchu. He’s also a ginger. Sick, huh.

But his performance was admirable enough to earn him a post-game interview on national television. Annnnnnd it was really, really funny. Bad idea for Fox to send that poor woman down there so Zabransky could show the entire country how low his IQ really is. Check that, it was a fabulous idea. Most viewers were shocked at by his blatant stupidity. Unfortunately I can’t find it anywhere, but lucky for you, I’ve found an exact duplicate of the interview…

So the guy had a pretty good game. I’ll give him that. But the fun doesn’t stop with that 2007 ‘Dream Season.’ Later that year Z throws a massive party at his house for the NFL draft. It’s in the Idaho Statesman, ‘BSU quarterback Jared Zabransky to throw NFL draft party in hopes of getting a call’. I’m sure it was a great party…

UNTIL HE NEVER GOT A CALL.

Yeah. Z throws a banger at his pad for the draft, and doesn’t even fucking get drafted. After he said this to EA Sports,

EA SPORTS: A number of the past EA SPORTS NCAA Football cover athletes have moved on to have successful NFL careers. Do you see yourself following in their footsteps?

Jared Zabransky: I think so. I think I can be a guy that can go in and make an impact right away. I think with my athleticism, I can be utilized in the first year as opposed to a lot of other quarterbacks who come in and they really have one position they can play and thats quarterback. I feel that I can come and help a franchise right away and do some different things.

That makes him only the second athlete ever be featured on the cover of the game that wasn’t drafted. Priceless. At least his tats looks awesome on the cover. So the obvious question becomes, “What is Jared Zabransky doing right now?”

Truth is, I don’t know. Last I heard he was the third string quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos. I repeat, The Edmonton Eskimos. If I were to guess, he’s probably crybating in his Boise State jersey while he watches the 2007 Fiesta Bowl highlights.

know he bought the dvd.

Go get em, Z.

A Really Stupid Idea

Please Cross The Line

This whole Jerry Sandusky disaster has brought a certain jr. high/ high school memory to mind. I remember when I was in 8th grade, a group of really emotional people came to town and put on a ‘clinic’ at our school called ‘Challenge Day’. I had no clue what this was, but to go meant to miss an entire day of class, so of course I signed up.

The basic idea behind Challenge Day is to expose the futility behind certain activities such as making fun of people for how they look or what they believe in. Things that as shit-head teenagers, we did all the time. In essence these people forced the kids to get extremely confessional and attempted to ‘tap into the realness’. Now some kids are into that. Some kids are totally down to talk about deeply personal stuff with complete strangers. Some kids like me, think its all just a big joke, and shut everything off when they walk in the room. What this turned out to be was gymnasium full of teenagers, half of whom were crying, and half of whom were trying not to laugh the entire time.

The day starts pretty easy. Games and shit. Candy and shit. It’s great. I’m thinking, ‘fuck yeah. This is awesome. We get free Subway.’ There’s a certain game where the girls go around and sit on the guys laps. This was fun for me as well. I remember an extremely hot upper-class girl who plopped down on my junk and started talking about how she liked to go boating and shit on the weekends. I remember thinking that she chose me. Point is, she was hot, and Challenge Day was looking like a really, really good decision.

Subway wrappers hit the trash can and shit starts getting real.

There’s this activity they explain called ‘Crossing the Line’. This is Challenge Day’s premier attraction. Keep in mind that the trio of faggots running this thing are all wearing boy-band mics and have their hair gelled. Not super chill. A little aggressive actually. Anywho, this exercise involves a line of tape across the gym floor. Baseline to fucking baseline. and everyone starts on the same side. Then, the pep squad starts saying shit like this. Get ready.

“If you’ve ever been teased, bullied, or made fun of for the way you dress…please cross the line.”

Then all the people who dress weird cross the line. Slayer hoodies and half gloves. Sick.

“Please cross the line if you’ve ever felt hurt or judged because someone thought you were fat.”

Then all the fat people cross the line. Weird.

You get the fucking drill. Everyone gets it. It’s stupid and I hate it. The worst part about it, is that after the people cross the line, the pep squad goes over and gives them hugs. One by one. Its taking forever. But then they start getting creative with it. Start mixing it up. I recall a few personal favorites.

“We live in a new world where women have to face so many social challenges. Now, please cross the line if you’ve ever been teased or hurt because of the size of your breasts.”

Interesting group of girls cross the line here. Many of whom are just giant creatures with giant everything including giant, breast-like things that just hang off their torsos. Another group have no tits at all. We’re like 15, they’ve got time. They’re not fully developed and its an unfair topic. The last group contains the select few girls, who at age 15, have great cans. I’m thinking these sluts are strutting across the line just to say, ‘yeah, i’ve got a really, really nice rack, and you should check it the fuck out. right now.’

“Please cross the line if you have ever been sexually molested.”

WOAH.

Even I think that one is a bit too much. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t even look as a surprising number of kids cross the line. I’m thinking, ‘why the fuck would anyone cross the line there? If that happened to me, I sure as shit wouldn’t want the whole goddamn school to know about it.’ And they are some shit-heads in the room, believe me. Not sure how they got invited, but they’re there.

Anyway, took me a while to get to the Sandusky tie-in, but there it is. I’m not sure if Challenge Day is still around. I hope all the leaders figured out how idiotic that whole deal was, and that it was nothing more than an entire day of freebees for all the dick-heads to use as ammo. I feel bad for those kids. There’s a video about this. Great Video.

“I’ve never met a kid who can take such tragic situations…and make them funny. It’s really sad.” – Quote from a friend after hearing my comments on Challenge Day.

A Short Leash

"I'm a proficient remarkable lad capable of proficient and remarkable feats"

"I'm a proficient remarkable lad capable of proficient and remarkable feats"

Something I’ve learned since I began working for other people is that anything can be interesting for a certain amount of time. New things can always be interesting, especially if you are being paid to do them. For example, I get a bullshit job at an escrow company and all of the sudden, I’m eager to learn more about third party exchanges and am providing some energy around the office with young, educated questions and a legitimate interest in the business. I start hearing successfull business men saying,

“Ya know Court, I started in your exact position when I first got hired here.”

“Really?”

(Wink)”you bet buddy.”

beat

“We all did.”

Then I watch him check his rolex and tell me he’s late for lunch and I think, it could be worse. Exchanges like that help my days. They allow me to rationalize. They allow me to believe I’m not completely wasting my time here. I’m not pissing away months of my young career working at a company I will never really be a part of. I mean, it’s better than working Dominos, where the funniest thing anyone ever does is take a shit on the clock. The guy walks away and I take a few moments to study his office. It looks pretty nice. He’s got a corner office. A few degrees hang from the walls. Pictures with his kids. A nice family. A dog. Seems like a pretty good life to me. I straighten my shit and continue to my office. And by my office I mean the delivery room.

One of the problems here is that I’m the type of guy who, when having face to face conversation with someone successful, will believe almost anything they say. That guy could tell me anything, without it being completely ridiculous, and I’d eat it up like strawberry fucking shortcake. So this shmuck tells me I’m on the ‘right track’ and that ‘that’s really the only way to get to the top’ and I start thinking he’s right. But in these situations, the ‘sage’ always leaves, leaving me and my skeptical mind to pick away at whatever he/she said.

That’s the second part of the problem: no matter who is talking to me, and no matter what they’re saying, ten minutes later I’m almost always sure they’re completely full of shit. This happens multiple times every day.

Lets fast forward 4 hours.

As the day winds to an end, I text my brother continuously while I drive the company car back to the office. It’s an in depth conversation. We’re discussing the possibility of arranging a two-man business plan that involves a necessary move to China on my end, and will result in us both becoming multi-millionaires. I start thinking about China, and I start liking China.

So many fucking people over there.

I like it so much so that I begin speaking Chinese to myself while I text and drive. I don’t speak a work of chinese, but I’m having a great time pretending that I do. I’m killing it. I’m playing out high-level business deals in chinese. Think– The Departed scene in the warehouse where Nicholson starts arguing with that scary looking Korean dude about automatic weapons. Can’t really remember what the asian guy says, but he has some strong lines.

This sort of self-entertainment falls under the category “ShitBrain Activity”. Other things on this list include

1. Aggressively quoting ‘Green Lantern’ lines in the stairwell.

2. Taking a shit on the clock.

3. Pretending I’m British by saying British things to people at stop lights.

4. Repeating the phrase “I’m a proficient remarkable lad, capable of proficient, remarkable feats.” over and over.

5. Playing BrickBreaker on the company BlackBerry they never should’ve given me.